Bullies, Wounds, and Community
Paul Von Ward's Blog
July 4, 2011: Today, reflecting on America's celebration of something called freedom or independence, my feelings are mixed. Can any nation call itself truly independent if it is bullied from without or must bully others to feel safe? How can any county call itself truly free unless all its citizens have the same freedom to live, work, and play without fear?
I was in the third grade, walking into the school's bathroom for boys, when I heard my first-grade brother scream. I ran to the urinal area. He was being held in the air by a bulky fifth-grader behind him. The bully's strong hands lifting my brother's arms caused his legs to flip about like a fish on the line.
I yelled at him to let my brother go and tried to pull the bully back. He turned and slapped the side of my head, letting my brother slip away. I screamed again, futilely trying to stop him, but was brushed away like a fly. He then turned, with a grin on his face, and stalked out the door.
My sobbing brother crumpled to the floor, his pants soaked with urine. Grabbed at the urinal before he could unzip his fly, he had wet himself. I began to cry too. I had been unable to protect my brother's dignity. We were just two little boys, ashamed to tell anyone what had happened. We dried his pants with toilet tissue and sneaked home.
Powerless against the bully's size and strength, my brother wanted to hide from our father. He didn't know why he was targeted and didn't want anyone to know. Being too late and too frightened to do anything about it, I agreed not to expose our vulnerability. We were too defeated to tell anyone, not even our parents, that we had been attacked.
Bullies exist at every age and in most every culture. They pick vulnerable targets who have a weakness they can exploit. Driven to compensate for something missing in themselves - or having been abused by others - they need to feel power over someone.
My brother and I, years later, sometimes felt the impulse to make ourselves feel big and strong by using our power or wits on weaker targets to mask the shame we felt on that urine-soaked, bathroom floor. We needed to regain our lost sense of freedom and power. In turn, in ways large and small, we too misused our superiority over others.
When will we, as individuals and as a nation, feel whole enough to be ourselves without becoming a bully feeding off the energies of fear and shame we can evoke in others?
All wars are initially seeded by an act of one bully in one place. Our history has inflicted enough wounds on individuals and groups to keep us fighting forever - unless, each of us forgives our transgressors and seeks the help of our community in healing our own wounds.
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For a sensitive, thoughtful perspective on these issues, read Darrell Gudmundson here.
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